You can forgive without reconciling, and you can reconcile without forgiving.
While researching and writing my book, You Don’t Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms, I discovered a common misconception: Many people incorrectly believe that forgiveness is synonymous with or requires reconciliation. I’ve seen this misunderstanding occur in family and couples therapy when loved ones encourage forgiveness when they truly seek reconciliation or encourage reconciliation when they truly want forgiveness. This confusion can cause further harm to occur in relationships.
Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation
There is currently no consensus on how forgiveness ought to be defined, which adds to the misunderstanding of the distinctions between forgiveness and reconciliation. For this post, I will use the definition provided by Enright and Fitzgibbons: “People, upon rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when they willfully abandon resentment and related responses (to which they have a right), and endeavor to respond to the wrongdoer based on the moral principle of beneficence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity, and moral love (to which the wrongdoer, by nature of the hurtful acts, has no right).”1 Forgiveness is an emotional process that changes your thoughts, feelings, and actions toward an offender.
In contrast, reconciliation occurs when two or more people restore a relationship after harm has occurred. This restoration can be loving, friendly, amicable, polite, or civil: treating someone with respect as you would a stranger. Imagine that you do not trust a person who has harmed you, but you continue to have civil interactions with them. You may choose not to rely on them for any support but interact with them occasionally. You have reconciled. Forgiving and reconciling can occur together, but not always.
Forgiving Without Reconciling
Many people believe that forgiveness will automatically lead to reconciliation. The misconception has caused some to avoid forgiveness to protect themselves from reconciliation, while others who’ve forgiven their offenders may be chastised for not reconciling.
“I’ve forgiven him,” said Aaron, two years after he divorced his emotionally and financially abusive husband. “I don’t feel any animosity toward him, and I want him to be happy. I really do. I just don’t want or need him in my life.”
Aaron forgave his ex-husband, but that wasn’t enough for his loved ones, who encouraged him to also reconcile. “If you’ve forgiven him, you should be able to talk to him,” said his sister. “If you care about him, you would help him,” said his best friend.
Yet, whenever Aaron resumed contact with his ex, he was met with anger and continued abuse. Eventually, Aaron severed all ties with his ex and informed his family and friends that although he had forgiven him, there would be no reconciliation.
Luckily for Aaron, he was able to promote his safety despite pressure from others to abandon it to meet the needs of his offender. Not everyone can do this, especially when they have to go against those they love and respect. Some people have felt pressure to reconcile with their abusers, and when they did, they were further abused; at times, even murdered.
You may need your offender to acknowledge their actions, accept accountability, express remorse, apologize, or provide evidence of behavioral changes for you to engage in relationship repair or reconciliation. These requirements can promote your safety in the relationship, yet none of these criteria are required for forgiveness to occur. Forgiveness, in fact, does not need to involve your offender at all; you don’t need to tell them that you’ve forgiven them. Can you forgive an offender who’s taken no accountability, made no behavioral changes, and seeks to harm you in the future? According to the definition of forgiveness, you can, but you do not need to reconcile.
Reconciling Without Forgiving
“She’s my mother, and I don’t love her,” said Anne. “Honestly, I don’t even like her as a person. She has hurt me so many times, and I know she won’t change. But, I’ve chosen to put up with her.”
Anne reconciled with her abusive mother after a ten-year estrangement. She implemented firm boundaries in their relationship to promote her safety. Anne would see her mother during family gatherings and communicate with her by email. She refused to see her alone or engage in additional communication. Anne, who often felt angry when thinking of her mother, had not forgiven her and had no intention of doing so. Yet, she was able to reconcile.
Anne’s family had previously criticized her for the estrangement, a reaction that, unfortunately, many trauma survivors experience. When she reconciled with her mother, her family expressed relief but also confusion regarding the need for Anne’s firm boundaries. They wanted Anne to allow her mother to have full access to her in terms of visits and communication. They pressured Anne to forgive, assuming forgiveness would lead to further reconciliation.
As a result, Anne took steps to forgive her mother, but she was unable to do so as she began to feel emotionally unsafe. This led to a continuation of the estrangement. Anne’s family’s efforts to push forgiveness led to the opposite of their intended outcome: increased reconciliation. They didn’t realize that Anne needed to feel safe before she could forgive her mother.
Safety Always Trumps Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Safety is required before you can genuinely forgive or reconcile. Your brain and body prioritize your survival (safety) before thriving (forgiving and reconciling). Therefore, forgiveness and reconciliation are unlikely to occur or be sustained if you feel unsafe. If you wish to pursue reconciliation or forgiveness, it’s best to focus on establishing and maintaining your safety first and foremost.
Reflections for Forgiveness and Reconciliation Advocates
Those who encourage others to forgive or reconcile should know that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same and do not always occur together. It’s best that you are honest with others, and yourself, regarding your true intentions.
Forgiveness and reconciliation advocates should ask themselves these questions before recommending forgiveness or reconciliation:
- Do I understand and accept that they can forgive without reconciling and they can reconcile without forgiving?
- Do they feel safe enough to forgive or to reconcile? If not, can I help them to promote their safety?
- Am I considering what’s in their best interest? Or are my recommendations in the best interest of the offender or perhaps myself?
Ultimately, you are the only person who decides which experiences you need and which you do not—not a researcher or a psychologist, and not your therapist or your loved ones. Just you. You decide to seek forgiveness or not, to reconcile or not. Whatever you choose, it might be precisely what you need
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Reference
Robert D. Enright and Richard P. Fitzgibbons, Helping Clients Forgive: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope (Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2000), 29.
